FanFic Questions And Comments

[Jimmette]

^
Thank you Alex. :DD
Here is what she looks like without the Bullworth uniform on.

[Evolution]

Heh, she ain't too bad at all

I noticed in the story that a lot of it was awefully a lot like the original Bully

But I guess you did that on purpose, anyways, maybe she should get in a relationship with one of the characters?... Maybe a Townie or a Greaser Or Prep or something like that. Just don't turn her into Lola

[Jimmette]

^
Yes that's what it's meant too be like but I going to change some of the parts along with way so don't worry.
I don't know about her relationship wise.. Maybe someone I'm not sure..
Oh don't worry Cassie ain't gonna be no Lola..
 

[Evolution]

^ Just saying, it's going good. But Don't forget about the other stories, like Binks and Jimmette adventures!

Btw, plan on writing for Stevies adventures?... Like, you don't have to do it now obviously, just wondering. 

[Jimmette]

I will don't worry.
I'll update the Binks and Jimmette adventures about twice a week or so.

[Evolution]

As mentioned in the Fanfic topic... Questions here 

[BloodChuckZ]

Ok....Overall, I am impressed with the first post.  This has a good start.

Some critique.....

I was a bit troubled as to the switch (Peanut / No Peanut)....Perhaps there should be some sort of "Blurring" sensation inserted there.
 

I limped over to the Bathroom,
I quickly run as fast as I could down the hallway,

Both Johnny and Derby have been injured badly enough to be in a hospital.  As a reader, I can accept his falling when getting out of bed, pulling himself back up, and limping to the bathroom....But I can't accept him running just a few minutes later.


Graffiti is on the door saying "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR, DEATH WILL COME FOR YOU" I look in fear... I hear groans, animal sounds, and I knew someone.. SOMETHING, was trying to get past this door. The door got pushed LOUDER, and I heard a thump... I didn't dare open it. I see a pale hand coming through the slight gap on this door... More and more hands.

Ok, the door is closed.  So how is a 'pale hand coming through a slight gap' ?  That needs better explanation.
 

He jumped in fear, and turned around... "JOHNNY, what's... WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?..." He said in a scared tone, "I don't know man, the undead... WE NEED TO LEAVE... The Fire escape... Let's go!" I yelled "I think you and I were in a bloody coma... Oh no... Mother and Father! What if they... what if-" "LISTEN, we need to leave... NOW... I've got a matchbox for some light... We need to go"

This is totally confusing as to who is speaking.  It would read better like this....

He jumped in fear, and turned around... "JOHNNY, what's... WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?...", He said in a scared tone.
"I don't know man, the undead... WE NEED TO LEAVE... The Fire exit... Let's go !" I yelled.
"I think you and I were in a bloody coma... Oh no... Mother and Father! What if they... what if-", Derby sputtered.
"LISTEN, we need to leave... NOW...", I shouted.  "I've got a matchbox for some light... We need to go !"


What I do after I've written something is to put myself in the role of the reader, pretending I hadn't wrote that and am just reading it for the first time.  That way, if there's something that just doesn't make sense to me, or doesn't jibe, I can spot it.  Remember others will be reading the story, and need to be able to imagine the sequence of events that you lay out.  If they are illogical or out of order, that detracts from the tale you are trying to tell.

Like I said, overall this was very good.  Just keep an eye on the details.

[Evolution]

Thanks, it's always great to get some feedback. As for peanut, yeah he was suppose to be a blurry figure, but I should of explained better... As for the door, it's kind of hard to explain.

Anyways, I'll pay close attention in my next post,
Thanks for the feedback!

[BloodChuckZ]

Believe it or not, I often edit story things before I post them....And sometimes after.

[Evolution]

I'll edit the Johnny/Derby convo to make it more readable, although I won't edit the other stuff... Just cuz.

Anyways... I am going to take that feedback into serious consideration for future reference, and I'll be sure to put myself in the role as the reader, and see if it makes sense for my future Fanfic posts.

I really appreciate it Chuck, it's always great to get feedback that can improve your writing ability, especially from good ol' Uncle Chuck!

I'm gonna' have fun writing as Gary

[Mohamed The Kowalski]

Believe it or not, I often edit story things before I post them....And sometimes after.

I think that's something we all do, because there's always something wrong in what we write.

[Evolution]

Oh, I will also be referring to 'Peanut' as 'Larry' in the Fanfic, as this story is suppose to be a little bit serious, calling him 'Larry' (His real name) wouldn't sound as silly as calling him 'Peanut' (His nickname)

Just puttin' that out there before anyone asks

CHUCK. CRITICISM. I NEED IT. NAOW. oh, and i purposely didn't include TOO much action, leaving that for the future posts.

[BloodChuckZ]

I don't criticize.  I just critique. 

[Evolution]

^ Psh, whatever you wanna' call it, I appreciate it either way

[Evolution]

Hey Chuck, just a question... Would it be alright to, "Import" some of the NES Characters into my Fanfic?... (More specifically, Tony) And here's a little 'Sneak-Peak' I plan on making Tony an antagonist who makes a large impact on the story (Although Tony (Or someone else) will be making his appearance later in the Fanfic.)

If no, that would be fine... I was just wondering if you would be okay with it, though.