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Mohamed The Kowalski · 13091

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Offline Mohamed The Kowalski

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on: July 11, 2013, 12:08:57 PM
For Shadows Of Bullworth Discussion & Comments ONLY.

I'll start on the summary once the story itself begins to be written.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2014, 11:10:58 AM by BloodChuckZ »



Offline BloodChuckZ

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Here's a Sticky to get things started.



Offline Evolution

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Offline c00ld0c26

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Like a BOSS!
We did it.



Offline BloodChuckZ

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I like this !   Tis’ GOOD !

Minor Points that should be edited.....

Head of a school is spelled ‘Principal’

Don’t refer to John as ‘student’ or ‘new student’ in the 4th & 5th paragraphs. 
It’s confusing to the reader.  Just call him ‘John’

Head of a school is still spelled ‘Principal’

{fix}
“trying to purposely block out [the Headmaster’s] patronizing voice boom[ing] over him”

Title all adults with ‘Mr.’ ‘Ms.’, ‘Miss’ ‘Dr.’  I know, it’s a bitch, but reads better.

{fix to this}
“JUST FUCK OFF, OUT OF OUR LIVES !  NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!!  Liza Doesn’t Need You Anyways !!”

{fix to this}
“See You, Father”, were the last words Phillip spat out to his own Father before the man responded by driving off and leaving him there without saying a word.

{fix to this}
 Wow, he never thought he’d end up going to such a hell hole of a school, but Hey, look where he was now !

Again, Head of a school is still spelled ‘Principal’

*On a closing note, it is never explained just why Phillip believes the school is corrupt, or anything about fighting, or why ‘his track record for violence can top all the other students who are at this school.' etc. at the school since he just got there. This should be explained at the start.
 
« Last Edit: July 14, 2013, 11:32:53 AM by ChuckX »



Offline Evolution

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^ Thanks, Chuck. 8)

Will fix this out, as stated in the PM.



Offline BloodChuckZ

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Heh...Don't make my mistakes when I started in on the NES.....There are a lot of posts I will have to wipe and insert the newly-edited versions to make the story read better in Chap. 1 & 2.   (I've saved all the edited versions and the entire story to 2 different Flash Drives, just in case.)  You learn as you go along, I reckon.

BTW --- I love that title !!
« Last Edit: July 14, 2013, 11:53:44 AM by ChuckX »



Offline c00ld0c26

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Hehe
This is starting well!



Offline Evolution

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I was quite eager to get through the intros, so I slightly rushed it. Going to be working more on it and taking more precision before posting.

And thanks Chuck, those edits helped!  :euro:

Especially the bit where Phillip jumps to the conclusion that the school is corrupted based on one little fight. Will build that up over the next few posts.



Offline BloodChuckZ

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That's much better !!

If you guys would like, I could edit minor things I find (like spelling, sentence structure, etc) if you like, as I read along the story. 

Oh, and the story is sticky'd now for you all.



Offline Evolution

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That's much better !!

If you guys would like, I could edit minor things I find (like spelling, sentence structure, etc) if you like, as I read along the story. 

Yeah, that'd be sweet, thanks! For now, I'll read through it a few times before posting, as I often get slack, especially if it's late at night as it is now. I tend to just skip over a few which is a huge mistake. Will read through em a few times just to make sure there's not too many typos/grammatical errors, i.e. "He droving off in his car." But yeah, sounds cool as wool. 8)



Offline BloodChuckZ

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It sure as Sheep Shearin' sounds like a good deal all around. 

I sure hope this takes off for you guys....I felt so lonely here in the Stories Section, all by myself....



Offline Mohamed The Kowalski

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This story is really great. Great work, Alex!
Good on you.



Offline Red Blaster

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I haven't read through it yet, but I will do so and offer critique when I have time.



Offline Evolution

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Ha! Those edits make the story 10x better! Thanks, Chuck!

EDIT:

Just made two minor edits to the 'Phillip,' post, one was a grammatical error which most would have missed. Spelled 'boy' as 'by' on accident. Just fixed that.
« Last Edit: July 15, 2013, 04:33:34 AM by Evolution »



 


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