A Soccer Mom’s Pre-release Review of Bully
This is a satire about the way a certain "parent" would look upon a video game. It’s written as if it was for a site that was run by mothers who denounce controversial video games based on third party information rather than actually experiencing it themselves, and making rash judgments about things they have little knowledge about. Instead of classifying this as a preview, this reviewer comes to the conclusion of whether or not you should get the game before anything has even been released/shown/known about it. The name of this "mother" is Soccer Mom Dave.
Let me tell you right now: I’m disgusted. Have you heard about that game "Bully"? It’s a game that those sick minds at Rockstar Games are going to impose on us. My own son has a bully problem at school, and any chance of him playing this game will only make him realize how much of a weak molested little boy he is (wait until I start emasculating him at his soccer games). Playing tricks on teachers is one thing, but starting fights (even killing!!!!!) students is completely absurd.
While sitting in at the Meaningless Organization of Mothers (MOM for short), I heard all about the game and how you can do everything and more in the game including raping school girls and taking a gun to the school to create one Columbine after another. In this day and age, there are just things you don’t do; this is one of them.
Now, what I also heard at the MOM meeting right before we went into the 56th discussion of Hilary Clinton’s book was that major politicians agree that Bully will harm our society. A large sect of MOM called the MOUTH (Motherly Order of the Uninteresting Tantamount of the Hamiltonian) presented their findings based on extensive research of Bully have said that in their closed experiment, children ages 0-4 who played Bully for 10 hours at a time had extremely violent reactions while starving in their 4’ by 4’ cage, while the ones not playing Bully and eating as many sugary sweet snacks as they wanted were generally calm and passed out peacefully once their sugar highs died down. What does this research show, you might ask? It brings unchallenged proof that the games of today’s society are affecting the behavior of our children at a young age, not because of the way parents raise them.
As parents, we have no responsibility whatsoever in raising our children as schools and day time television programming (minus Janet "Whataslut" Jackson) are the only institutions of which should raise our children. While our children are preoccupied with being shrugged off towards other parties to look for values and beliefs to hold on to, we parents (moms especially) can go to Robinson’s May to look for a new way to spend our neglecting husband’s hard earned money on worthless things to make it feel like he loves us indirectly and to waste our time talking about Hilary Clinton’s book, carrying it around with us wherever we go (as if it was actually compelling enough to carry around in the first place) and avoid any improvement on our reasoning skills to see through the totally biased and uninformed organizations like MOM judge things that haven’t even been released yet, like Bully. But that’s just me.
Bully is a horrible game. I have heard enough about it to pass final judgment on it, and it is to say boycott this game and Rockstar! The game doesn’t even deserve a score because of its horrid nature. There is no score that could even be assigned to reflect my opinion. Maybe we should just put the whole review over a denominator of 10.
