Education WNGUW Story Comments

[Hayley]

Like I said, I’m not sure if the others feel the way I do. If they think that it’s fine and you want to continue writing the way you did, then by all means go ahead. It's not like I'll stop reading if you do.

[Blackie]

INTRO REVIEW:

“… Damon held an MP5k-PDW… Damon levelled [sic] his MP5k-PDW… Damon and Ted fired their MP5’s… Damon stopped his bike and dismounted, firing his MP5k-PDW…”

We know that he’s got an MP5k-PDW, so why do you keep telling us? This goes for the other characters as well, and it gets repetitive. Every sentence that I read has the name of a weapon in it. You could just say that “[Character] fired [their] weapon of choice” and I’d be set.

I don't know, I kinda have to disagree. I felt that he mentioned the weapons enough times, as I tended to forget who was carrying what. However, that's just me, so we would have to get a few more opinions on that.

Also (talking to the author now), I felt that sometimes you changed verb tenses quite awkwardly which made me have to read a sentence over again just to understand.

Last thing, I found that sometimes you tried to cram too much info into one sentence.

Other than that, great job! Looking forward to the next installment

[BloodChuckZ]

Overall, I liked it.  I do enjoy detail. 

[Ross]

updated with Chapter One and changed the Introduction based on the feedback.  started to notice I'm changing up my writing style on the fly, I try to make conversation flow naturally.

[King Cobra]

Overall, I liked it.  I do enjoy detail. 

I as well like detail. It really makes you see the story. The only thing is that you need to keep the story moving.

I'm not sure who here read "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", but there was a intense amount of detail. The issue was that the story moved very slowly. Only every so often was there a "great moment" in the book, then it all slowed down again. That can make stories really dry.

[BloodChuckZ]

The trouble with most new storywriters in they lack in detail and continunity.  You have to give your readers enough imformation to construct the scene in their mind, and the parts your characters are playing in them.

Such nonesense as "Jimmy ran to town & did such and such", like it just happened in two seconds, is really lame.  Sure, everyone here knows the game and the layout probably better than his own neighborhood, but a lot of readers might not.  You have to peg your prose to the fact that your reader needs to be imformed as to just what to construct in his own imagination.

[King Cobra]

Detail is everything in imagery. You need to keep the reader wanting more of that story though. People don't want to read 20 detailed pages, and have this all happening in the same place. The story needs to move.

Each character has to have their own personality as well. That's an important integration with the story.

[BloodChuckZ]

Just read the second part.  Excellent.

[Ross]

thanks Chuck, I'm working on chapter two as we speak...well not right now cause I'm playing Operation Flashpoint xD but yeah, it's being written.  I didnt notice the topic change cause I'm pretty slow so got kinda confused at first haha.

if anyone wants a comparison, this piece of work will be similar to the HBO Series The Wire, only more focused on the street gangs.  there will be prominent cops, never fear, but they tie in with the story in a different way and also foreshadow some events in GTA IV.