Bullworth- Jensens story

[Evolution]

Jensen grew up in in a rich neighbourhood, and his parents owned multiple companies, obviously your first impression is "He's a spoiled brat" now, he is spoiled, but he is not a complete preppy. He changed. Here is his story. (By the way there might be a part 2 if you guys like it, I wrote this for like 2 hours. lol)

Jensens parents dropped him off at Bullworth. "Remember Jensen, I use to go to this school, be sure to talk to the Preps, the leader is Derby, 2nd in command is Bif, tell them you're new to the clique, if they don't believe you, tell them who's son you are. You'll have fun here, but be careful of those Greasers, they're the Preps arch enemies." Jensen replied and said "Don't worry dad, I’ll see you later, bye."

Jensen walked into the gates in a pair of baggy shorts and an old top. Seth told him to get changed and that he was breaking a school rule, Seth told him to get changed into the School Uniform, and then showed him where the Boys Dorm was.

As Jensen entered he realized it wasn't the cleanest place he had ever been. Jensen then walked into his room.  Wade, the School Bully said to him "Well Well Well, I’ve heard about you before..."

Jensen replied "Oh yeah? And what sort of things have you heard?"

Wade said "Oh nothing. Besides the fact that you're Mum cheated on your dad with a golfer, hahahah!!!!"

Jensen then replied "You shut your mouth you peon, Want me to get my lawyers?"

Wade then said "Lawyers won't help you here kid.."

Wade walked off and joined back with his clique who were sitting on the couch.

Jensen got changed and went to the "Harrington House" He went up to one of the clique members called "Tad." Jensen said to Tad "Hey, you must be prep?"
Tad replied "And you are?..."

Jensen said "I'm the son of Adam, one of the old leaders who use to be in this clique when he was younger?"

Tad said "Oh yes! You're family is friends with Derby's family, very splendid, I'll introduce you to Derby, you'll enjoy it here."

As Jensen walked into the Harrington House, he saw Derby, sitting at a table dealing with money.

Tad said to Derby "Uh Derby, we have a new member here, his names Jensen"

Derby- "Oh Yes, hello Jensen, I'm derby, but of cause you know that since your family is friends with mine.. Anyways, I guess you heard we hate those Greasebags right?"

Jensen- "Well of course! The Greasers and us have a long history.."

"Indeed Jensen, Anyway I want you to change out of those horrible clothes and change get some Aquaberry Clothes from the closet over there, I don't want everyone to think you're some sort of homeless person now.."

-Jensen "Sure"

Jensen walked out of the room and was in full Aquaberry clothes, derby said "Ahh great clothes they're boy!"

"Thanks" Jensen replied

Derby then said "Now I need you to beat up some of those greaseballs to prove you're preppy material.."

Jensen replied "Uhhh, Who do you want me to beat up?"

"Well if you can... beat up Hal and Norton.."

Jensen replied "THOSE GUYS?!! THEY’RE GORILLAS THOUGH, I DONT STAND A CHANCE!"

Derby replied "Don't worry, Bif is coming with you.. He's the Boxing champ so he'll do some good, but don't just go in the autoshop like a bunch of Brainless peons, go in there after dark and sabotage them, Justin is a good person to hear things so he knows they'll be there at 10:00 PM, packing tools for their bikes and cars, so be sure to give them a good beating, and oh yeah, you'll be needing masks.. Just in case...”


 The clock just turned to 10:00 and now Jensen And Bif had to beat up to strong Greasers.


Bif and Jensen sneaked to the Autoshop, they saw Hal and Norton packing some tools into a few boxes.

Bif whispered "Jensen, put these on then beat those greasers up, once we do you're in. And we would of taught those greasers a lesson, Wait until I say then we sabotage them.... 3 2 1.. GO!"

Jensen and Bif stormed towards Hal And Norton, Jensen went after Hal and Bif went after Norton, Jensen Grappled Hal to the ground and started throwing multiple punches at him, and Bif punched Norton in the face with a right hook, Hal pushed Jensen off and then bear-hugged him, Jensen was growing in pain but then managed to get out of the hold,

But Hal got the upper-hand, he smashed Jensen to the floor, Jensen was dazed but got up, Hal threw a kick to the mid-section but Jensen Grabbed his foot and kicked Hal in the groin with his left foot, Hal groaned in pain, Jensen then Did an uppercut and Hal went flying back and smashed into the shelf, then fell to the floor unconscious.

Bif then grabbed Norton and was holding him behind the back, grabbing his arms; making his stomach completely open to be hit,

Jensen then dug his fist in Norton's mid section, Norton was wounded, Bif then threw him to the floor and left him there.

Bif had then said "We took them out! What about we trash the area where they make their bikes and Cars? It would piss them off!"
Jensen replied "I think we've done en-"

"NO WE HAVN'T DONE ENOUGH JENSEN, NOW STOP BEING A WUSS AND GET THIS HAMMER AND SMASH THE CARS AND BIKES!"


The Next Morning.

Jensen shared a bunk with Justin, who was a pretty good roommate.

Justin said "Bif told me you and him took it to those greasers, haha nice one."

Jensen then replied "Yeah.."

Jensen was thinking what he did was wrong and he just wanted to be a normal kid, although this wasn't possible at Bullworth Academy.

Justin said "You better go to Derby now, you're now fully apart of the group, well done!"


   Derby saw Jensen walk in and said "Well done! Bif told me what you did last night, well done, you're now apart of the group my fellow friend."



7 days later.

Johnny had heard what happened to Norton and Hal he was furious, and even though Bif and Jensen wear wearing masks, he knew it was the preps.

Johnny was having a meeting at Blue Balls.

Johnny then started to talk. "So I heard what happened to Norton and Hal, THEY'RE IN THE INFIRMARY! AND TO ADD ONTO THAT.. THEY SMAHED THE CARS AND BIKES!.. My beautiful bike... Johhny then shed a tear.. 'THOSE RICH SCUM HAVE TAKIN’ IT TOO FAR THIS TIME, WE'RE GONNA GET REVENGE, AND THIS IS HOW...."



Derby said to Jensen, "We should have a party! But not at my house since ma and pa are there. Maybe someone else's house but who...?"

Tad said "ME! My house is free and ma and pa are away, thank god.."

Derby said "Perfect Tad, we will have the party this Friday. Only in 2 days! I can't wait to have a splendid time and drink some vodka and all that nonsense, I’ll see you guys there! Tell all my fellow Preps the party's at Tads house!"

Little did they know Ricky was listening to the whole thing. Ricky then went to Blue Balls, and said "Everyone listen to me!" Johnny said "Do you have any new info Ricky?"

Ricky said "Yes, and I’m going to tell everyone, so my friends I dug up some new info, The scumbags are having a party at Tads house this Friday, which is in 2 days. We need to make a few tactics on how to beat these scums up"

Then they heard the Blue Balls door open, they all looked surprised as it was Norton and Hal. Norton said "I'm going to beat those scumbags up"

Ricky and Johnny said "Nice to have you guys back" with a smirk on their face.

Anyways here’s the plan, "Vance and Lefty, you guys go through the front gate and give it all you got."

"Lucky you climb over the right side of the gate."

"Ricky and Peanut you two go in the house, we'll give you some bats."

Me Hal and Norton will go through the back and sabotage them, but we will be the sneaky ones, give it all you got boys, because this is WAR.


           2 days later



Jensen and all the rest of the Preppies were wondering around the house.

Justin and Gord were at the front gates talking and drinking some wine.

Bryce was at the back with Parker.

And Bif, Derby, Jensen, Pinky, Chad And Tad where inside the house. The preps were laughing having a good time and eating dinner. But then this happened.

Vance and Lefty stood outside the front gate and smashed it open, Vance stormed towards Justin and did a kick to the ribs, Justin groaned but then recovered quickly, "That all u got greasebag?" Justin then did a hard right jab knocking Vance to the floor, Lefty was fighting Gord, he did a straight punch to Gords face, Lefty knocked Gord down and now it was just Lefty and Justin, 

Justin teased and said "Go put some more grease in you're hair you scum"

Lefty replied "Let me clean that spot on you're face!" then he ran towards justin and punched him in the face, Justin fell back to the wall.. Dazed, Lefty then punched him in the mid section, Justin was wounded, he barely has anything left, But right before Lefty was going to punch him in the face, Gord kicked Lefty in the balls..

Lefty groaned saying "You cheap little prick!! ugh"

Gord and Justin then screamed saying "THE GREASERS ARE HERE THE GREASERS ARE HERE!"

They kept going on but then Vance Kicked Justin's face and fell unconscious, but then Vance turned around then he got an uppercut then Vance was knocked out.

Gord was the last man standing, he yelled to everyone "THE GREASERS ARE HERE, ATTACK!!!!!"

Gord ran around the house and saw Lucky climbing over the gate, Gord ran towards Lucky then punched him, Lucky was in shock since he did not see it coming, but then Lucky replied with a Knee to the face which caused Gord to be knocked out.

Lucky said "Take that rich scum"

Lucky then followed Ricky and Peanut into the house.

Johhny Hal and Norton went through the back, Johhny smashed Parker to the floor, then Hal Bearhugged Bryce and then smashed him to the floor,  Hal said "What do we do now?"

"Look for derby and the rest of em, Lets go in the house."

Vance and Lefty woke up and went into the house, it seems all members from both cliques were all in the house now.

Johhny and the rest of the clique were standing next to him, same as Derby.

Johhny said "You took it to far this time you scum."

Derby said "You deserved it, Greaser.. What you gonna do huh?"

Johnny said "Me and my clique are gonna beat you're ass."

Both cliques all stormed towards each-other.

Vance was fighting Gord again, Vance grappled him and Kneed him too the face and did a straight punch knocking him out, but then chad was behind him and chad kicked him in the face and knocked him in unconscious. Derby was fighting lefty, Lefty tried to punch him but he was no match for Derby,

Derby blocked Lefty punch and threw a chair at him, making lefty fall back into a prep called justin, Justin was dazed then out of no where, Ricky kicked him in the face completely knocking him out.

Johnny then said "Better quit now Derby!"
Derby then laughed storming towards Johnny..

Johnny got out of the way and Derby ran into a straight Knee to the face by Ricky. knocking him out. Bif then came out and said "WHO WANTS TO MESS WITH ME? COME AT ME!" Peanut ran towards him but got knocked out by a hard punch to the face. Chad then knocked Lucky out by a kick to the face. Then Tad ran towards Hal and punched him in the chin, knocking him unconscious.

Now there were only 5 Left on the preps clique and 3 left on the Greasers Clique.

Bif
Chad
Tad
Jensen
Parker

And

Johnny
Ricky
Norton


Bif yelled "You're outnumbered!"
Give it up!

Johnny yelled "Screw you scum"

Johnny then ran towards Chad doing a muay thai roundhouse kick to his face knocking him backwards onto a table and breaking it.

Parker ran towards Norton doing a punch combo which included Doing a punch to the right rib, then to the left then an uppercut. This dazed Norton, but then Ricky saved him by jumping onto Parker and kicking him in the groin.

Bif said "3 vs 3 now huh, well done, i'v seen you've been doing some training.."

Johnny said "Shut up and fight rich-boy" Norton Ricky and Johnny all stormed towards Tad and Bif, Norton picked Tad up and took him to the bathroom and dunked him, Tad was gagging, then Norton knocked Tad out.

As Norton left the bathroom Bif did a staight punch to the face knocking him out cold.

Bif yelled "Jensen!! GET YOU'RE ASS OUT HERE AND HELP!"

Jensen came out and said "I don't want to fight! WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET ALONG?!!?!?!?" Bif then slapped Jensen.

Johnny could see it in Jensen's  eyes that he was furious. Bif ran and knocked Ricky out.

Now it was just Jensen and Bif and Johnny..

Bif said to Jensen "BEAT HIM UP!!!! NOW"

Jensen replied "No"

Bif then ran towards Johnny and started punching him as Jensen stood there watching.

Bif through a right hook and got Johnny, Johhny did a punch but Bif blocked, Johnny then did a roundhouse kick to bif injuring his hips, then did a 3 move combo, Johnny stepped on Bifs head and spat on him..

Johnny thought he was knocked out.. He then said "I won't bother with you kid, you're alright, just don't let Bif control you and if you don't bother us, we wont bother yo-

Bif punched Johnny in the back of the head, then grabbed him, he was in the same position Norton was a few days back, his mid-section was free to be hit.

Bif yelled "Punch him a few times then i'll knock him out! GO YOU WUSS OR ARE YOU A GREASER TOO, ARE YOU JEN? HUH?" He threw Johnny to the floor and went up to Jensen, he punched him in the face, saying "You're not prep material you scum! But you will be if you do what I SAY! SO DO IT!" Jensen replied "Okay, I'm sorry Bif.."

Bif then picked Johnny up and said "Now hit him!" Jensen get some brace knuckles and then punched Bif in the face.

He then spat on Bif then said "Scum"

He took Johnny to Blue Balls,

Johnny was conscious again..

He eyes were open then he said "Kid?..." in a dazed voice

"What... are you doing here Jensen?..."

Jensen replied "I took Bif out, I helped you, he told me to punch you but I didn't..

Johnny replied "Really?.. Oh my god kid.. You have some guts.. And I respect that..

Jen then said "Thanks, get some rest then talk to me when you're fully functioned.
 

             2 Hours later

Johnny was in a stable condition, he said to Jensen "Do you want to be apart of the Greasers?..."

Jen thought about it but then said "Yes I do"

Johnny said "I'll introduce you to the rest of the Greasers later, I'm glad to have you with us"


 

 


 







 

[Peachrocks]

Interesting enough. I guess from your name I was expecting a Greaser style story which is I guess what we will eventually get . It matters not to me.

The basis is alright but there's a few things. I'd rather comment then leave stone cold silence. There's some spelling and grammar errors and such (Wan't instead of want) but as much as it will annoy some people, I'm more interested in the story and I can make out what's going on.

I'm not a fan of showing my writing and it takes guts to ask for negative feedback, though you should probably be clear you want constructive feedback. Destructive feedback (e.g THIS SUCKS) is useless to you. I hope you'll find it helpful *shrug*.

- The setting is sound
Preppies vs. Greasers. It's clear where you're going with this right away.

- We don't really know much about Jensen.
This to me seems the main thing and I guess most of my feedback will be talking about this. There could be a bit more descripition in general but this applies espeically to Jensen since we know nothing about him.

This may be your intention to keep him mysterious but even if it is, we still need to know 'something'. You seem to rush into the story a bit without building up the character or understanding his motivations. One of my weaknesses as a writer is that I have too much detail on characters, and places and have to trim. In this case though, it might be the opposite. Perhaps you'll see this when I finally show something here... *sigh*

For instance, Wade knows Jensen or has at least heard of him. How? Jensen is immediately hostile to him. Why? Does Jensen know him as well or is Wade being Wade and just picking on the new kid. If the latter is true, then Wade should make a reference to that and shouldn't really state he's heard of him. He might say this in real life to throw someone off, but in writing this throws the reader off unless you make it clear Wade is just fooling with the character.

Also why isn't he immediately in aquaberry? It doesn't seem to be character preference seeing how quickly he accepts it when Derby suggests it. His father is former preppie and his family is friends with Derby's and if that's true shouldn't Jensen and Derby know each other already? Or is the friendship not that close and they only 'know of' each other. Let us know .

Furthermore Jensen would be well briefed on the 'preppie' side of things and fitting in socially with them, so unless the character has a 'disliking' of his 'new' friends and social class, make him fit the standards. He seems to agree too quickly for there to be any personal reluctance.

Forgive me for talking in circles in a way, but I want to be sure I am not making an oversight and trying to take into account your own intentions.

The next thing is Derby talks about Jensen beating up Hal and Norton. Again, Derby might know Jensen and his fighting ability and obviously Jensen knows how strong he is, but we don't. Why does he think he stands no chance against them? Just how strong is he? How much experience does he have? As a rich kid, you would think he wouldn't get into a fight at all. The only reason the Preppies are the exception to the rule is because it is well established they box.

The advantage with games is that you can skim over these factors because you instantly know how strong someone is either by seeing them in action (and the fact earlier characters in games tend to be weaker ) or using some stat numbers but with writing it's not so easy.

Again he also shouldn't know who Hal and Norton are, they should be pointed out to him by Bif later and then any comments in regards to his own beliefs in his physical strength could be mentioned. Not in conversation, but through narration.

The only other two things I have to say is that Justin congratulations him in a very similar manner to Derby creating a bit of visual repetition (another weakness of mine). Plus Derby does not offer praise easily (he's too busy giving it all to himself). The other thing is why does it take Johnny a week to start scheming his comeback?

- Fight scene was good
I hate writing these personally but what you did here was good. What I found interesting is that Jensen unlike the other Preppies is not a boxer. Makes sense if his background is not based in Bullworth but still, some background would be great.

- You've set the next events up well
Obviously Greasers want revenge. It's the tried and true formula but it works. I sense some foreshadowing with the opening lines about 'first impressions' and the fact you obviously like the Greasers, so I can get an idea of where this might be heading but obviously, I can't be sure.

I hope you didn't find it too negative but really it's just so I can better understand where you're coming from, thus get more out of it and maybe you'll find it useful *shrug*. I took the time because you asked for the feedback and I couldn't refuse that request .

[Evolution]

Hey man, thanks for the feedback, have you seen my edited version, (I re-did some bits) so check through it if you have not seen my newly modified one

[Peachrocks]

Okay I checked a bit, some of it was definately a bit better but writing is a practice thing. Write, get feedback, get better. It's advice I myself should probably follow.

If you continue don't edit the original post so its clear where the feedback you're getting is coming from. That and it breaks it up a bit like chapters.

The next you want to get down better is the characterisations. It can take a long time to understand the nuances of a character but start simple. An example is Derby referring to his parents as ma and pa, this is very informal (Wade refers to his parents as ma and pa in one of his lines to give you an idea of the type of character who might use it). For the Preps ESPECIALLY Derby it's mother and father, it's part of the whole fake accent thing which is a huge thing about their character.

I already talked about the spelling and grammar and all that and this will seriously put readers off giving feedback but at the same time it has to be fun for you and not like English class or something. When I started out I had somone correcting every tiny mistake and some things that WEREN'T mistakes. The latter was incredibly annoying. Let's just say it put me off writing for a bit and that's no good.

The other thing that happened was that I got no feedback at all from anyone else (I tend to write about less popular characters... and my writing was pretty bad back then) and it was only when I wrote in another quieter section with a slightly more 'main' character that I liked that I started getting solid feedback.

Anyway let's just focus on the story.

Like I said earlier, Jensen's motivations are a bit anoymous and this continues. Sure, its obvious not entirely happy with the Preps from the start, but why? What ultimately makes him betray Bif and the Preps, what's going through his head? Sure Bif's being a minor jerk, but by the way its written I sense in this case its to do with Jensen's history. Every character should have a history and that often has a great deal in deciding what makes the character tick and for the reader to get into the story, they need to understand that.

I'm generally guessing the motivations of Jensen though, he's clearly got something against violence but why? Also if he's just opposed to the violence why doesn't he just walk out on Bif rather than attacking him.

Since the entire story seems to be about his 'resistance' against the 'Preppy standards' and the general violence, some background detail about why he would walk away from all that good treatment and being with people of equal status in favour of being with their direct enemies.

Anyways... the story has a solid foundation but explaining the character and their motivations is a big part of moving the story smoothly.

Hope I helped... 

[Red Blaster]

I'll give you feedback later today...right now, I have to go somewhere with a friend.

[Evolution]

Thanks, and yeah I guess I need to improve on my spelling like "Wan't" and more punctuation.

Anyway he turned on Bif because of a few things, heres an example.


"Bif yelled. Punch him a few times then i'll knock him out! GO YOU WUSS OR ARE YOU A GREASER TOO, ARE YOU JEN? HUH?" He threw Johnny to the floor and went up to Jensen, he punched him in the face, saying "You're not prep material you scum! But you will be if you do what I SAY! SO DO IT! Jensen replied Okay, I'm sorry Bif.."


Thats being a minor jerk..? lol

Anyway good feedback

[Mike_W]

Seems to be good so far, but as Peach mentioned, there are some spelling errors you should fix and I think what I'd like to suggest the most is simply adding a bit more detail to the story.  It seems good so far, but if you could add some detail, for example, maybe a little more info. on Jensen, etc. this could greatly improve the story.

[BloodChuckZ]

I actually construct my story posts off-line, so I spell check them there.  Also, I use Firefox, and a neat thing about that is it has it's own little spell check deal that shows up mis-spellings with little red squiggly lines underneath the words, with the option to 'click & correct'.

I agree withe the others that more character description needs to be done.  Who are they, and what are they thinking and feeling ?  Too much action and not enough character development tends to confuse the reader and lessen the impact of the story. 

[Evolution]

 good feedback, I'll defiantly give more info about Jensen if I do a part 2. But now I just don't feel like doing it lol

[Red Blaster]

I could've sworn I posted a comment earlier...but since I haven't: I don't think I can really add to what the others said...they summed it up perfectly.